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Ideasat3AM

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16, ever again [Mar. 24th, 2007|09:08 pm]
Ideasat3AM
I realised I stopped typing a while back.

Well, lately I have been feeling as if something is weighing me down all over again.

Sometimes I can't remember if its because I know what will happen and, its as i I am already planning my exit. While you, the sole wanderer is clinging onto someone's shadow.

I don't know.

It is almost funny to notice that I did not ever hit the sixteenth entry before I couldn't take writing everything down because I am always unable to express things in a manner that I am able to remember; where reading it will just rekindle every single feeling I felt during any such moment.

***

Sometimes I wander if you've forgotten about me when I see you along the corridor. I still feel that you're someone special but I just simply cannot find the strength to open my eyes and realise something that is before me because I know I will never be able to cope with letting you in right now. You are someone wonderful I just want to keep and no matter how selfish it may seem. I need to take things so slowly, maybe you will never realise I still feel the same way as I always have.

Sometimes I feel bad that I never seem to show that it matters or that I'm glad that you're there and that I'm always so quiet about things that do matter.

I don't really know.

***

All I am thinking is of tomorrow. Is, of the future. Because I really wouldn't want to ever ever look back and regret that all through this, and that is all that I have become.

It may be weak to think of the future and not now. Not live a day at its time, because I am constantly pulling something so weak that I need to achieve to make me feel whole because it will change so much, yet retain so much.

So much in life I want.

So much I need to sacrifice.

I just need this year and I will promise I will truly be who I am after I have finished this task.
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Oops! [Dec. 4th, 2006|10:17 am]
Ideasat3AM



I'm sorry I forgot to tell you this before, but I'm sure you'll understand if you wanted to.
If you'd want to be a Tree or Friend, I'm sure you'll understand what you have to do (Make an LJ account, if you don't have one. And befriend me, I'll friend you back if you're honest and perhaps not someone I know. Or as long as you don't pretend to know what I am talking. But I like people who can somehow relate.

I do public entries when I feel good, so here you are.

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008 Sunday Weekenders [Dec. 3rd, 2006|05:16 pm]
Ideasat3AM
[Current Mood |nauseatedwhack my head please.]
[Current Music |Tangerine Dream - Do As Infinity]

Its Sunday today. 

I feel kind of bad how time is passing so fast and all I do is yearn for it to move slower. I am looking forward to the completion of my room, I think. But somehow I am scared because it'll mean growing up faster and being more independent, more causes for fears, and perhaps just for the fear of forgetting what I am made of and what I want to remember. Also more fear of death, or lonliness, of change, of mindset equality, of something other than everything we now face. The worse part is because you don't know if its real; a gut feeling, or just simply a wild imagination pulling you and pushing you onto a ceaseless ride of never-ending possibilities and doubts. 

I kind of don't realise what I'm talking about actually. But maybe you'll understand the feeling.

Okay. And fear also causes me to open my Chemistry file and really dig deep, trying to remember where I left all the facts previously. I don't want to do it, but I must. The word 'must' is such a requirement factor that I'm unable to pull knowledge out and procastinate when I know I can and I want to. But I don't because the word 'must' is disgusting. Tell me to strive hard! Tell me that it is fun! (ew)

OggoooagCollapse )I found some of my pictures from Shanghai. But I don't have the rest with me now. :( Awww.

So Yesterday I had quite a tough time sleeping with the smell of the paint crawling up to my nose. But I stuffed myself under the duvet (I stole it from my brother's room) and pretended I couldn't smell anything. Just like how I am pretending I cannot smell anything right now. In the middle of the drawing room.where they have just finished more coatings of cream. 

This weekend has been boring. I have the sudden urge to be lazy and not continue with anymore work but rather complete my sketches but ahweiuqw34iw. Okay I'm sure I have a conscience now. 

There's always something you can't say.

Zawameku machi ga  nemuri ni tsuite
Iiyou no nai fuan ga kubi wo motageru
The murmuring city goes to sleep
And an anxiety I can't put into words rears its head
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007 I wish I could update about James Bond on this entry [Nov. 29th, 2006|09:09 pm]
Ideasat3AM
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Music |Singin' In The Rain - Jamie Cullum]

Its Wednesday today, which means Double Episodes of Project Runway! 


The past week hasn't been anything but boring. I live to watch Project Runway every night and that is about it. But since I know I will feel guilty about sitting around not doing anything and be worried about next year so I gradually pick up the pace. At a speed of 5 math questions/ 30-45 minutes. But its not as if the questions are easy so I am glad I am actually getting down to doing something. If it weren't for a guilty conscience and the dream for a better tomorrow, I would be slacking on the couch waiting for the next re-run of Project Runway. Ugh. Disgusting.

Also since the start of our Renovation Week, I haven't left the house for quite a while. There isn't much to do. So I mostly spend my time reading and/or watching no good television since my history and biology books are piled somewhere over the bar counter top. Our dining hall has unofficially been converted to the room of junk which hosts about 70-100 boxes of books, 26 boxes of pure clothes (all mine, sadly), more than 20 bags of unused crap that I found in my room and loads of other junk from the computer room. Which we packed in 2.5 days. This is the first time in my sixteen years of life where I have gotten down to pack everything into boxes and stuff them downstairs. So, yay, Accomplishment! But it will be another matter trying to get everything up and going again when my room is D-O-N-E. 

So maybe I will end up throwing loads of stuff away, because I have this terrible knack for keeping everything. Especially rubbish, because I am a (messy) sentimental person. -> which is not seen in the throwing of letters. Oops. But you get what I mean. There are some things you feel you have to do sometimes.

Hope that everyones week has been going well.

Its 907! I MISSED 7 MINUTES OF MALAN BRETON !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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002 Who are you? [Nov. 20th, 2006|09:58 am]
Ideasat3AM
[Current Music |February Song]

Hello, you. 

My pride comes thick and I have never been able to tell you what I've thought of you. Our beautiful secrets we've shared as we were young children ran through my mind late last night and somehow, I've lost the sense of you being the big bully you used to be. And now you seem to be so far away and distant in a foreign land where I wish I could be, being no one else but your little sister once again. I wish you could taunt me again with every single mistake I did and proclaim how much better you were. Because, truly, in my mind- all I know is how great you are. I've never been able to say how much I've missed you all these years or how much I cried when you left because it made me feel so stupid, knowing that perhaps you're not feeling the same way.

But lately, my knees go weak whenever I study something to do with you and what you do. I learn about the vices you have and what you've done in life and my imagination plays its part and push me to boundaries I've never felt before, where you would leave me and I would be all alone. 

I wish I could have told you long ago how much you meant to me and that losing you would mean losing the world. But my pride comes too strong.

Still, all I've been thinking is how much I've missed you so. Come back to me, please.

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001 Conquest [Nov. 19th, 2006|11:00 am]
Ideasat3AM
[Current Mood |Comforted]
[Current Music |Now or Never - Josh Groban]

I watch the morning dawn upon your skin
A splinter in the light
It caught and frayed the very heart of us
It's been hiding there inside for all this time
How a sure thing winds up just like this
Clockwork silence only knows


Two days ago, I realised how much I have lost myself and forgotten the importance of understanding myself completely along with each new process and level. I wouldn't have remembered and continued on to be who I wasn't and gone on doing everything I didn't want to do if it wasn't for M. I know it sounds kind of weird that someone I hardly know seemed to be able to shake me and snap me back to reality, but maybe that is the case. If I knew him well enough and was worried of what he thought of me, I wouldn't have confided in him, much less tell him of my dreams (if you want to put it in a cliche way, then yes, 'dreams' is extremely approriate.) But now I feel its perfectly alright to be cliche because there isn't a black and white source that tells me what I can't be, or what I have to be. 

I forgotten how much I knew myself and now that everything has gone on and I have changed and pushed forward to something that isn't me, I have to track back and let it go naturally. I don't.want to lose myself ever again. I don't want to worry about what others think of me because I just want to be who I am and if you don't want to accept me for that, its just the problem with the society and not because I cannot live up to who I am inside. Rather than having to fight with myself daily, asking why I am doing something so that others won't judge or stereotype me.

and individualism, I felt I had nothing as an individual, at least for the past 6-7 months or so.

My little task, self-conquest is my objective. Its okay if everyone seems to be leaving, I have to believe my faith will pull me strong. If a stranger can simply put so much confidence in me, why am I simply doubting such ability and life?

How about you?

This week has been trying, I am looking forward to the closure.

Denise, I've missed you so. I am so glad you're finally on the way down from getting your head stuck in the clouds.
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